01 February 2010

Emotional Complication

We found out today that it looks like we're gonna get our visas to return to our home on the other side of the world. Halleluiah! Um, I think. Yeah! Well... mostly. Right? I'm glad! Sorta. Yes, I am!!

We are really ready to go back. We feel like our time there is not done, and we feel especially honored to be getting in during a time where many are leaving instead. This is what we've been hoping for, praying for, planning for. But oh my goodness... it doesn't mean it's easy. Today the thoughts and challenges and worries hit me like a brick wall...

This lifestyle is so emotionally complicated to me. I just came up with that term myself... but I think it's fairly accurate. Conflicting thoughts and feelings have taken up residence in my heart, and sorting through them and making sense of them is difficult.

I have REALLY enjoyed this extended break in the States. Not that it's been much of a break... it's been very busy! But it has been wonderful. Marvelous. Joyous. I was so blessed to be here in the summer. To see my nephew's baptism and have family vacation with my husband's family. I was so blessed to be here in fall. To see the leaves change color, to feel the refreshing cool temperatures, to watch football (not over the internet), to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends, to settle into our cozy home downtown, to be apart of our unique community each day, and to make sweet preparations for my daughter. I was so blessed to be here in winter. To see beautiful snowfall, and decorate my home for Christmas, to have fun visits with my family, and to deliver my baby girl in a lovely hospital. I have not taken any of these things for granted! This season has been a gift that God ordained for us!

But the danger all along, I've known, is that the degree to which I enjoy this country and everything that comes with it is the same degree to which I may miss it when I'm gone. I have been aware of that from the start but I refused to let it hold me back from REALLY enjoying life during this time. And so I have enjoyed it. Really, really enjoyed it.

And now we're looking ahead to leaving this place again, and I'm feeling that crazy flood of emotions. The emotional complications. Time to put a 'pause' on this life and fly to the other side of the world and hit the 'play' button on that life. Sounds weird. And it's not entirely true. But that is pretty much how it feels.

I'm willing. I'm even a bit excited to be challenged to the core again. As I've heard it put... "Hard is good and easy rots the soul" And it is gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard to pack up all my belongings and put them in storage again. It's gonna be hard to go to community worship for a last time. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye to friends that have grown ever more dear over these months. And it's gonna be IMPOSSIBLE to watch the grandparents say goodbye to their grandkids. again.

But we'll do it. We will
"exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character. And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5 (Amplified Bible) I am so glad that this is the true word of God! All this is not in vain... oh my my friends... it's not in vain!! For we have been given the gift of God's love.

So... here I am Jesus... ready to jump into the 'hard' again. I know You're with me. And I know that it's not all hard. There are so many great joys in the midst of it. It's just I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around it again. I'm willing to deal with all this emotional complication. And how glad I am that you are so close by my side through it all...

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