18 March 2013

Injured

I felt so weird today.

In the evening, after several episodes of breaking down into tears to my patient and loving husband, I think I managed to put my finger on it.

I feel injured. I am injured? It’s odd saying that. But I think it’s true. And it’s not really ‘me’ to make statements like that either. But whatever.

Soon after our arrival back to the U.S. we were talking with some friends and they were discussing loss with us. At some point in the conversation I suddenly realized that I hadn’t thought about what had happened to us in the terms of ‘loss’. It’d been well over a month at that point and I just kept chalking it all up as ‘life.’ It just happened and we’ll be sad but we’ll just get on with things in time. I never thought of it as loss. But of course it’s loss. It’s major loss. And that’s why we’re going through the grieving process.

Well, today was another realization for me.

I am injured.

Three months ago I wasn’t injured. I was doing better than ever. I fought for years, I mean YEARS to make life work in Africa.You’ve heard me say it before and you’ll hear me say it again. Blood, sweat and tears doesn’t even begin to cover it. I battled to find my place in Africa. To make it my own. To have a role. To become  a leader. To learn to thrive. To have confidence. To find my place. To have something to give. I fought hard. But I had won the battle (with God’s help, of course). I had figured it out. I was thriving unlike any other time in my life. And I was praising and thanking God for that, knowing it was only His grace that had gotten me there.

And then it happened.

The rug was pulled out and it was all taken away in nine days.

My life as I knew it. Gone.

Now I’m back in the States and my not-so-distant-past-life seems like a blurry dream.

And I’ve lost my place. And I don’t feel like myself at all. And I’m no longer thriving. It’s all been taken away and now I’m sitting here wondering how do I start all over again? To fight for so long and finally make it and then it’s OVER in the blink of an eye? And I’m supposed to begin again? How do I do that?

Now don’t get me wrong. I am fine. Daily life is good and we are so blessed and there are so many good things about this new season on this side of the globe. But there are challenging moments like I had a couple times today. It’s normal, for sure.

Anyway… injured people usually heal and I’m confident I will. It just takes time, I know. Someday I’ll feel like myself again and I’ll find a new place in this new life and this injury will seem like a blurry dream in the past too. In the meantime I will remember my life in Africa (and all its ups and downs) fondly and look forward to the day when I find my place again…

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